Morphik's Notes: Culinary Battles


Hi everyone, my name is Morphik! Until recently, I was an absolutely wild and constantly hungry hairy beast, always getting punished for stealing hedges, and then I had to become more cunning, and became the adorable pet to one good guy. He, of course, was not so enthusiastic about this idea, given that he still curses, spits, gets angry and promises to replace me. But what’s the point? One cannot change the laws of a magic world…

You don’t have to critisize me: it is hard to exist when you are a tiny creature with a large appetite, even if you are magical. The hedges grow very high up the trees – cannot exactly fly up to them, and conjuring food takes a special skill. The other day I wanted to try and conjure some fried eggs, but, because of a strong hangover, I mixed up the spell “Friedeggus es morfitus!”

I’m inspiringly screaming out the spell, waving my paws, closing my eyes, sticking my tongue out… only to realize that something long and slippery is climbing in my mouth. Madre mia! These are not fried eggs, it is a huge yellow viper with large eyes, who is shocked by my impudence itself! I was spitting out the taste for next two days, and was rinsing my mouth with beer. I mean water. Yes, definitely water…Hic!

No, spell casting is not for me, but cooking is definitely my thing! Just don’t tell a word of it to the owner, or the guy will go nuts, and possibly even cook me in a boiler himself. After all, he always dreamed of seeing me as a battle pet, but I became an agronomist instead. Just imagine: while everyone will boast about the skills of their pets, my guy will have to show off some corn cobs which I would grow on a field. Look at how big and juicy they are! But truly, they didn’t end up that bad…

Cooking is like a dream to me: if you want, make some cookies, or meat, or a sandwich, or a pie – whatever you want you can make. By the way, the story I am about to tell actually happened because of a pie: one day, a cook was getting busy in the kitchen – I was passing by, and then decided to watch him from behind the door. I was looking as he was doing his magic, mixing every ingredient with his hands in a cup, and then putting it on a stove and covering it with a lid. Well, it is as if he is hiding the munchies from me! I had waited until the moment he left the kitchen – and snuck in: slowly coming up to the stove and quietly putting the lid off.

Damn it, if only I knew how this decision of mine would turn out to be! I removed the lid, of course, and suddenly some white sticky substance is climbing out towards me – grunting, puffing, spitting around. It kept coming out and began sticking onto me, as if it was trying to suffocate me! I was pushing it away, was pressing it down with the lid, but only ended up covering myself with it. “Screw it!” – I thought to myself whilst climbing up a table, which ended up having a lot of dishes on it. As a result, I stepped in nearly all of them, sniffing some pepper in the process, which made me sneeze my butt off, hit my head against a pan, and then toss myself into a furnace. Then I was sitting quietly, pretending to be a pan, so I would not be caught at the crime scene.

But the stupid pie substance from before ended up being much bolder, and, without stopping huffing and puffing, began climbing out of the cup, right into the furnace! Does it not have enough space already? I must scare it off! I will turn myself into a dragon and will growl in a terrifying voice – and it will go away! What’s said was done: I spread my wings, stretched out my neck, and ... started screeching all over the house! For crying out loud, I mixed up the spell yet again, and instead of a dragon I have turned myself into a pig!

Shame on my hairy head! In that moment, the cook came back to the sounds, grabbed the substance and crushed it with a long stick. Meanwhile I was just thinking to myself that now I will get crushed by that thing too. Yeah, right: when the cook saw me in the form of a hairy pig with dragon ears and the pan handle instead of a tail (I am an idiot, a bloody idiot!), he started rolling on a floor laughing non-stop for half an hour.

The whole half an hour, which became the time of my biggest shame – I was, as ordered by my master, standing in the corner for the whole evening… Without any food, can you imagine?! Thank god, I had a small bottle of rum on me, otherwise I would not be able to live through this story sober.

You don’t have to mention that part to my owner either. You can imagine that an alcoholic-pet-agronomist, whose dream is to become a cook – what kind of mad house is this?! And I will deal with that pie substance myself, and will definitely learn how to cook it! More precisely, I will learn how to make a pie a size of a whole table, so I can eat as much as I can without asking anyone for anything. You don’t believe me? Morphik has never been so concentrated on what he is doing! I swear on my hairy paw – and the rest of my body parts too!

Sergei Katz